I started a comment on the Canfield of Dreams website: Upfront disclaimer, being smart about certain things does not make my opinionatedness any righter than the usual ….
I’ve talked about the Canfield family already. They are seriously thinking about being a modern nomadic family. Not a new thing to do, but a seriously daunting thing to do. They are generous enough to let the world see into some of their fears, doubts, and excitements. One that resonates with me is, “What about our daughter?” She’s 6-years old and as a nomad will miss out on some things. Of course, she will experience things the average 60-year-old only fantasizes as possible – unlimited, free travel comes to mind.
What is best for our kids?
It’s tempting to get so caught up in wanting the best for our kids that we can get everything upside down. I don’t think the Canfield dreams have anything upside down, but it made me think and comment about that. I thought I would think aloud about it in a more general way here.
You think you’re doing the best for your child, but your lazer focus on their best life may be robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to create their own best life.
It is an awfully heavy psychic weight for a child to bear when the family goals are centred on him and you may abdicate your role in creating your own life in your zeal to offer what is best for your children at all times in all places. Suddenly, the child is vaguely concerned about you. No one can put their finger on why all this commitment to the best daycares, coaches, and neighbourhood isn’t resulting in happiness and harmony.
We are a bit like dogs. When the Alpha dog is not “alpha-ing” the pack is in chaos. Now, I’m against authoritarianism for a number of reasons – the most important being that it doesn’t work and it always backfires in terms of long-term goals – but parents have to be parenting. We are not the servants of our omnipotent children. (Neither are they servants of us … although a little breakfast in bed and fanning away the mosquitos is not to be denied.)
It is YOUR life, not your children’s – in spite of how exquisitely important they are.
Eventually, what YOU hope for yoru children will eventually come into conflict with what they might hope for themselves. Even with justifications that he is too young (at whatever age this might hypothetically occur) to know what’s best for himself, etc., the route out of the conflict will be impossible because the guiding principle has been what’s best for our children.
We cannot know what is best, really, ’cause we’re creating best as we go. We need a guiding idea that is greater than the enrichment of our child’s life.
I think.
What I mean is, figure out what your family believes in. What do you intend to give to the world. Well-mannered, happy, talented children, for sure – and sometimes that goal will seem like a stretch, but you can expect that, with a little help from your friends (or books or counsellors or websites. 
) If these lovely children are your only goal, not only will they feel the pressure to live up to your ideal or rebel against it, but should the unthinkable happen and a child die, or disown you – or the predictable happen and they leave home, fall in love, get busy – your life is done. Living well is the best gift we give our children.
Living our best life shows our children how to create that. Shows them that it is reasonable and possible to have a great life. Teaches them how, but also instils the desire. Motivated parents most often produce motivated children.
That watching your child play lacrosse and dance in the school play is part of your best life is important – you did choose to have children, after all. Hopefully, at least some of what children do is of genuine interest to you. It is also reasonable for them to see you enjoy and go after other things, yes, even running a marathon. (I say that with a tone, because I sometimes shake my head at the hours it takes to be ready to run a marathon, but many parents take that out of their sleep time, their relaxing in front of the TV time, their time with the lawnmower, not out of their time with the kids. And, these days every marathon has a finish line full of proud kids cheering for mom or dad. The lesson is right there.)
Final disclaimer …
Sometimes well-meaning parents forget themselves and I am always sensitive to that because I think strong, happy parents are the best gift (not selfish, fun-seeking parents, in case anyone was seeing the wrong vision.) Finding your happiness includes your children and their well-being, but it also includes a vision of yourself and your family that is beyond the moulding of your child into your idea of a admirable adult. There is a service and a creation individually and collectively for which you are all responsible.
Go forth, and get right on that. It seems daunting, but you take it on every day and so far, so good. It’s a lifetime of balancing it out, one day at a time.
