We Know We’re Paying for Our Kids Counselling, but…

It’s probably good to know just what it is that truly screws up a kid for life. If we can’t avoid it, maybe we can minimize the counselling bills a little?

Check this out:

http://www.cracked.com/article/195_7-things-good-parents-do-that-screw-kids-up-life_p1

The scientific highlights:

• No creative names.
• Do not teach them to be themselves.
• Don’t make ‘em play sports.
• Starting school early is dangerous.

It is interesting that in recent posts, I have touched on the dangers of each of these except creative names. The place I will start today.

The article at cracked dot com has us worrying that our children’s names are determining their level of criminality. It’s a little like numerology. Add the value of the letters of your name together and have a synopsis of your personality. Here’s how it goes:

Take all the letters of your name, assign them a number according to the chart, and then add any double digits to get a single digit. Like so:

Woofus Wainright = 5+6+6+6+3+1 +5+1+9+5+9+9+7+8+2 = 82

8+2 = 10

1+0 = 1

This is the personality of Woofus, or whomever you have been calculating:

1 = ambitious, independent, and self-sufficient (see the above link to know how terrible this really is)

2 = supportive, diplomatic, and analytical

3 = enthusiastic, optimistic, and fun-loving

4 = practical, traditional, and serious

5 = adventurous, mercurial, and sensual

6 = responsible, careful, and domestic

7 = spiritual, eccentric, and a bit of a loner

8 = money-oriented, decisive, and stern

9 = multi-talented, compassionate, and global

Of course, it is a wee bit more complicated than that, but I thought I’d throw this in. Will keep you distracted for a while from the deadly blow you have dealt your poor Ethan or Tyrell.

I don’t doubt that someone has counted up the number of Mikes in jail versus the number of Winstons but there is an enlightening chapter by Malcolm Gladwell where he points out the difference between white American names and black American names – and gosh darn if the there aren’t more Sapphires and Malcolms in the Afro-American community (both names considered unique) and gosh darn if there aren’t more young black men in jail than white. Which came first: the racism or the unique names?

Having known my share of young criminals, I put forth my own naming theory: stay away from “J” names, especially if you are naming a boy. I can’t tell you the number of criminally involved Jasons, Jonathans, Jareds, Joshuas, Jeremys, Johns, Joeys, Jordans, Jesses, Jakes, Justins and Jeffs I have known in the space of 10 years! Multiples in each of those names! I realize there may be another explanation besides the name, but I’m thinking most of these names are not all that unique and it hasn’t saved them from taking a path that might lead to someone’s basement, a few friends, a little ganja, and difficulty keeping a job.

And, in case you were wondering, numerologically, I am enthusiastic, optimistic, and fun-loving. Hah!

As for the other items on the list, I would direct you to a little reading about my highly individualistic, sociopathic self; some musing on the very good options other than team sports for your kids; and a little fear-mongering about reading too early and the dangers of Early Language Immersion (this is not learning 2 or more languages at birth, this is the popular practice of sending children to primary school in a language different from the one they speak at home.)

See, I know how to screw up kids, you don’t have to rely on the scientific evidence presented by cracked dot com – although, my fun-loving, rather than fun-producing self might suggest they have a far wittier way of presenting the “facts”.